Holy 4.5 Batman!

Imagine Batman and Robin as windsurfers on Maui. At 11:00, while basking in their chaise lounges on the Bat-lanai of their opulent estate in Wailea, Robin notices the Bat-signal, a bat-shaped cloud blowing across the sky. The Bat-phone rings. A ridiculously tan Bruce Wayne answers the phone, “Yes Commissioner, what is it? It’s already blowing 20 at Kanaha?! We’re on our way.”

Batman hangs up the phone. He turns to Robin, “Quick Robin, to the Bat-van!” They dash off to the Bat-porte-cochere, hop into their tricked-out Ford econoline Bat-van, hit the thrusters and they’re off to Kanaha (music: na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!).

They arrive at Kanaha, leap out of the Bat-van, resplendent in Bat-boardshorts, Bat-flip-flops and Bat-tank-tops, and dash down to the beach, Batman’s dreads flowing behind him like a cape (music: na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!).

As they dash down the sidewalk, they’re accosted by the evil Question Guy. “Hey Batman and Robin! Wathca gonna rig? Looks windy! Do you think it’s as windy as yesterday? Should I rig my 4.5 or 5.0? Do you think I should use my 25 cm fin or my new 25.5 cm slotted wave fin?” BIFF! POW!!! ZONK!!! Our heroes dispense with Question Guy as easily as an annoying cockroach.

At the beach, Batman pushes a button on his Bat-belt (a belt with boardshorts? Only batman can accessorize like that.) and a dozen small Bat-weather drones launch into the air over the water from Batman’s belt, measuring wind speed, gust-to-lull ratio, wind direction, temperature, humidity, UV index, and barometric pressure. He checks a readout on his Bat-watch and the LED readout tells him to rig a 4.7. “Blast it Robin! My 4.7 is in the shop being retrofitted with the latest gust-dampening technology. I only have my 4.5 and 5.0 with me! What should I rig!!!”

Robin, being the smaller and less technically dorky of our two super-heroes, dashes off to rig his 4.5, leaving a befuddled Batman on the beach debating whether to rig .3 meters too big, or .2 meters too small.

Back at the Bat-van, Robin pushes a button labeled “4.5” on the rear of the van. A side panel on the van opens and a fully rigged 4.5 sail is ejected smoothly into Robins awaiting hands. He ejects is trusty 83 liter save board, attaches the rig to the board and dashes off to the beach (have you ever noticed how much “dashing” Batman and Robin do?).

Robin beach starts and slogs out to the wind line. As he hits the wind line, a gust pops him up onto a plane and he sails over he reef. He points upwind to work his way up to the choice rolling open ocean swell at Uppers, but is daunted by lulls, where he has to bear off and work it to stay on a plane. After several reaches of this he works his way upwind to some nice swell. Despite the smooth rolling swell, Robin continues to fight with the pesky lulls, forcing him to constantly have to point to stay upwind. Where is Batman with his trusty Bat-wind-stabilizer when you need him!

After an hour of this, a particularly menacing lull forces Robin back down wind to the launch. He figures maybe it’s time for a bigger sail or fin. He comes off of the water to find Batman still standing on the beach debating what to rig. “Robin! How was it?” To which Robin replies, “Holy 4.5 Batman!”

Later that day, the wind would pick up and Robin could be heard exclaiming to Batman, “Gusty 4.5 Batman!”